When it comes to spotting other gay people, a lot of us come equipped with a gaydar that’s spot on. Every so often though, we’ll run into someone that’s doesn’t really present as clearly gay or straight, leaving us stumped. Of course, if it’s super important that you know one way or the other, you can always just ask the person if they’re gay (and if you’re actually comfortable doing that, more power to you).
For those of us that aren’t quite that blunt, it’s definitely still possible to figure things out on your own. You just need to know what you’re looking for. After all, you can’t always tell definitively from scrutinizing someone’s mannerisms or looking at who they hang out with. Some of the clearest signs a given guy might be gay are actually pretty easy to miss. The following are just a few examples.
- He literally never mentions being attracted to women.
When someone’s comfortable being 100% open about their sexual orientation, they talk about attractions they’ve had. They mention people they’ve dated or they talk about folks they might be crushing on. They comment in an off-hand manner on how attractive they find certain celebrities as well. It’s unusual to have a straight male friend that’s literally never spoken about a woman in that context.
Pay special attention to how he acts when a group conversation turns to how “hot” someone is or isn’t. Does he contribute with ease the way everyone else is doing, especially when asked, or does he stay silent? Silence is definitely a clue that there’s something he doesn’t want to discuss about who he’s actually attracted to. Actually, there are some ways to tell whether that guy is into you!
- He has a lot to say about other men.
You may also want to pay attention to how he talks about the sexual attributes of other men. Is he constantly talking about specific male body parts to the point of obsession? Does he talk about them so much, you’ve actually felt a bit uncomfortable or wondered what his deal is? It could definitely be a sign that he’s secretly gay.
Plenty of heterosexual people (both male and female) stop and take notice when they spot a super-hot member of the same sex. However, they aren’t typically obsessed with their own gender’s sexual attributes. Sure, it’s always possible that they harbor deep insecurities about their own bodies and are constantly comparing themselves to others, but it’s more likely that they’re longing to connect with a same-sex person on a romantic or sexual level.
- You catch him staring at other men a lot.
Even if you’re super private about your sexual attractions, sometimes you still zone out in the presence of someone really hot, right? Well, your “maybe gay” guy friend is definitely the same way whether he realizes it or not. Yes, every so often, someone of either sex is just so attractive, it’s almost impossible not to look regardless of your sexual orientation. If it happens with your friend all the time though, there’s almost certainly something else going on there.
So, are you constantly catching him staring at other men in “that way”? Do his eyes tend roam over other men’s bodies almost involuntarily? Does it happen more often when he thinks you’re not looking or paying attention? That behavior is saying something about who he’s really into, so he’s almost definitely attracted to other men on at least some level.
- He’s careful not to mention anything about his social life.
Sometimes guys are completely aware that they’re gay and have made their peace with it, but they’re just not ready to come out of the closet yet. If that’s the case for your friend, his family could be the reason. It could also be fear of the social consequences or of how people will react at his job. It’s always possible he’s just plain not ready mentally or emotionally to take that step yet as well.
Closeted gay men don’t just fail to talk about relationships, sexual encounters, and flirtations they’ve had with the opposite sex. This is known as one of the many frustrating dating dilemmas gay men face! If you pay attention, you’ll notice they don’t really talk about their social life in other contexts either. Does your friend talk about anyone else he knows? Has he mentioned anything about who he lives with? What about where he likes to hang out on Friday nights or weekends? If you’ve known him a while and he’s never talked about any of those things, there’s a good chance that it’s totally on purpose.
- He’s tried to find out how you’d feel about experimentation.
Maybe you’re not all that open about your own sexual orientation because you’re private or semi-closeted. If your “maybe gay” guy friend isn’t sure whether or not you’re gay, you may have gotten the impression he’s tried to feel you out before. He may be attracted to you and interested in a possible encounter or he may just want to know whether you’re someone he can safely confide in, but doesn’t want to come right out and ask.
Have you ever gotten the feeling he was sort of hitting on you because of odd innuendos or off-color comments he makes, but couldn’t be 100% sure? Has he ever actually asked you whether you’re into experimenting or tried to get you to discuss your own sex life? Here are some things you might not know about gay sex now that we’ve come to talk about this aspect. If he’s ever given you the impression he’d like something more than friendship from you, the chances are pretty good that you’re right, especially if some of the other signs are also there.
- Physical contact between the two of you just feels different.
Even people that are just friends will occasionally touch one another. They’ll hug, clap each other on the back, or fist bump. They’ll even wind up rubbing up against one another from time to time. It’s just inevitable. When two people really are just friends though, contact like that usually goes completely unnoticed.
If you’ve ever wondered to yourself whether your friend is actually doing it on purpose, it might be because he is. Is this guy super touchy-feely to the point where it feels like he’s looking for excuses to touch you or rub up against you? Does it sometimes feel like he’s trying to stage all those little accidental “oops” moments? If you tend to get the feeling that he’s deliberately trying to cop a feel, then you’re most likely right.
- He’s never made a move on any of his attractive female friends.
Whether people want to believe it or not, it’s actually true what they say about why men and women usually can’t be friends. If both parties are heterosexual, it’s highly unlikely that one or both of them haven’t at least considered trying to get a relationship started. This is doubly so if both of those people are also smoking hot. It’s only natural to at least consider the possibility, even if nothing comes of it. (This, of course, happens a lot with gay people and their same-sex friends too.)
Historically speaking, how does this guy handle any friendships he might have with women? Does he seem completely uninterested in them sexually, even the ones that are regulation hotties? Has he always been that way around women you both know? Have female friends of yours tried to get with him, only to receive the brush-off in return? While it’s always possible that he’s just super picky or really strict with himself about maintaining boundaries within his friendships, it’s also likely that he’s just not into women at all.
- They flirt with you, but claim to be kidding.
Yes, some people are super gracious when it comes to paying people compliments. Here in 2018, there are even a fair number of heterosexual guys that compliment their male friends on the regular. They don’t usually do it to such an extreme that it actually feels like they’re flirting though. If your friend does, it might be a hint that he’s into other guys.
You should also think about how he usually reacts when he realizes he might have crossed a line. Does he claim that he’s just kidding? If you’ve called him on it, does he insist you’re just reading into his behavior and laugh it off? It could be he’s not kidding at all and – whether or not he knows you’re gay – isn’t ready to be up front about his sexuality yet.
We’ve all been told that we can’t judge a book by it’s cover and when it comes to gay guys, sometimes that’s actually true. We’ve all met our share of men that you’d never know were gay just by how they dress, act, or express their masculinity. You can probably judge a book by skimming the table of contents or reading the first couple of pages though. The more subtle signs you spot that point toward a friend’s possible status as a gay man, the more likely it is that you’re actually right.